THOUGHTS
by HungryKaoNashi
Summary: This is purely Aizawa's inner thoughts in Season 3.
1. Return

CHAPTER 1: RETURN

Note: This is purely Aizawa's thoughts in Episode 1.

* * *

"I'm sorry, but I have no intention of returning back to Lifesaving." That's how I answered Tachibana Sensei earlier. The current situation of Lifesaving right now is beyond my imagination, I saw how lost and hopeless the fellows are this year and how my previous colleagues struggled, but being as cold as I am known to be, I distantly declined his request. I was lost in my own thoughts, thinking if I sounded too unsympathetic earlier and thinking how others will retort on my decision, including Shiraishi.

"Ahh?" I squinted at the person standing outside the elevator. As soon as she went in Shiraishi have this surprised and uneasy look on her face, giving me the impression that she doesn't like the idea that I'm with her right now. Maybe it's because of what happened earlier.

"What's wrong?" I asked coldheartedly. Trying to read between the lines. She looks away.

"Huh? Nothing." I know how bad Shiraishi is in lying, and right now I can tell hundred percent that she has something in mind but somewhat hesitating to say it. She glances at my direction a few times confirming what I had in mind.

"What is it?" I repeated, still in a coldly manner. I frowns, wanting to hear it so badly, I tried encouraging her to let it out. It's obvious that she's hiding something.

"Nothing. Really." Her gaze holds mine. She smiles and continue, "By the way thank you for coming earlier." Changing the topic.

"Getting 5 cases alone in the morning is intense enough." I mutter, and a fleeting troubled look crosses my face. Trying to conceal my emotions, I look away, avoiding to look on her eyes. I don't want to be so obvious that I'm worried about her 'cause the situation earlier in lifesaving is quite bad. Literally bad. The fellows being completely useless while their team leader have this desperate, exhausted and distressed look on her face resuscitating patients.

"Oh, were you worried for us." She said like reading what's exactly on my mind. She smiles nervously and awkwardly, "It's alright because Hiyama sensei came back. And I think the trainees will become useful soon enough. I'm surprise too when Tachibana Sensei said that kind of thing earlier." Just as I thought. She wouldn't think of it much that way, she wouldn't figure how worried I am. Dense and clueless as always.

"Don't hesitate to call me if you need any help." I said before walking away.

Being in Neurosurgery and spending time in Lifesaving when they need consultations or an additional hand to help them is difficult. It's tiring. I know I can always say no when they ask for help, but I'm not only doing this for them. I'm also doing this to satisfy myself. Well, I can't complain much because that's the only chance I can use as an excuse to see and check on Shiraishi.

* * *

Looking at her face now makes me feel better. It's pleasant to see how her worried expression was replaced by relief and serenity. Yes. She's better without a scowl on her forehead and a desperate expression on her face. Seeing her earlier struggling to save a patient really puts my heart in distress. Her patients' blood pressure was dropping down, and Yokomine, the fellow can't even identify how exactly what Shiraishi wants her to do to help her.

Thinking that it'll unbearable for me to see Shiraishi's disappointed face again, after failing to save her patients earlier on, I quickly jump in without thinking twice and give her a hand to let her have a better view where the hemorrhage is coming from. No matter how experienced Shiraishi is, if she's surrounded by useless pathetic fellows like this, she really won't be able to perform well.

"Thanks for everything." We're on our way to send her patient to CCU when she breaks the silence.

"Are the trainees like that towards everyone? They seriously need to learn faster so that they can be more useful than nurses. They will be a nuisance when there are flights." My jaw clenches. Dissatisfied with everything I observed in Lifesaving, starting from how terrible the current situation was, how lost and useless the fellows are and how tired and distressed Shiraishi is, I can't help but to express what's on my mind.

"Don't say that, I need to cherish and look after them. Since there's no one who's interested in rotating in lifesaving right now." Being as nice as she is.

"Huh? The patients will die first before they even get to be useful." I said sarcastically. But thinking I'm not in the position to say things like this I quickly act contrite. "My bad, this outsider said things that shouldn't be said." I don't want to butt in, but Shiraishi's involved, I really hate seeing her like this, it's obvious that she's putting all the responsibility on her shoulders, doing everything she can while the fellows surrounding her are all acting stupid, having this 'I don't care' 'I don't know', 'I don't want to be here' expressions on their faces.

"Can't you come back to us then." She said in a lenient manner.

Hearing what she said just now is enough to make me stop. Stunned and astounded. My thumb, having its own life keep on moving restlessly on the trolley's side rails. Thinking hard. It's true that I have no intentions on coming back to Lifesaving, but after seeing how the situations affecting Shiraishi, I realized that there's a part of me that wants to share her burden and be there with her. Unlike when Tachibana Sensei asked me to come back in Lifesaving earlier, I feel different now. My full determination not to go back was sweep away by Shiraishi's request. It's been quickly replaced by hesitations. I knew this would happen if she's the one who will ask me to come back, I will hesitate bigtime just like how I am hesitating right now.

"Sorry. I too said things that I shouldn't say. I know that Neurosurgery was depending on you too as well. It was just a joke. So just forget it okay?" She said afterwards not giving me a chance to respond.

I seriously don't want to see another disappointment on her face and I don't want to make her feel rejected because she's special, but as much as I want to be with her again and accept her request, I wanted to go to Toronto for my career, 'coz it's really a good opportunity for me to be a step closer on my dream.

She starts pushing the trolley forward. I grip hard on the side rails and stop the trolley from moving. I close my eyes and gather all my strength and resolve before I totally changed my mind. With a heavy heart, I turn towards her and look at her straight in the eyes.

"It's because there's talk of residency at Toronto University." I pause for a while. "I'm sorry."

She doesn't look pleased with what she heard but in split seconds her reaction changes, she stares at me and give me a crooked apologetic smile. "Hmm. I understand. It's okay."

I glanced at her anxiously, I want to take back what I said immediately after seeing her reaction but I know it's too late. My chest tightens, it's not easy for me to choose but I need to choose one, one which is more important.

* * *

I secretly glance at the person who came in after me. Trying to hide the overwhelming feeling inside my chest.

"Why did you return to Lifesaving? Didn't you said you want to go to Toronto University?" she asks immediately, her voice is low, and her eyes on me, focused, waiting for my response.

I sigh heavily. "I will go. I will definitely beat Shinkai." She's literally concentrating on everything I'm saying and absorbing every word of it. I told her that there is a decrease of patients in Neurosurgery during summer and I don't want to compete with Shinkai over a limited number of patients over there. Well, half of my excuse was the truth because it's indeed appealing to me that I can handle many cases in Lifesaving as there's a lot of trauma cases with brain, nervous system and spinal cord injuries. But aside from the fact Lifesaving is filled with good things like that, deep inside I know, Shiraishi's the main reason why I came back.

I find Neurosurgery interesting because it stimulates my mind a lot but at the same time, the things I learned in Lifesaving was still committed on my memories plus the fact that Shiraishi is here.

So after hearing what she said that day on the helipad launch, when I asked her about her opinion -

 _"_ _I think whichever is fine, whether its Neurosurgery Department or at lifesaving as long as Aizawa-Sensei can hold a scalpel. Because no matter where you find yourself, I know leaving a patient behind would not be an option for you."_

\- it became clearer to me what I wanted, what I needed to do and where I wanted to be at that moment. I would still be a doctor who can help others and treat patients wherever I am. It wouldn't matter whether it's Neurosurgery or Lifesaving. The thing that matters most to me from that moment up to now was indeed to be with her. I want to be there to witness how can she create a Lifesaving that will exceed Kuroda-Sensei's. That's why I decided to throw away my uncertainties and hesitations and choose to come back. Though I'm not sure how long I'm going to stay, but possibly until she can be able not to burden herself and not to solve everything on her own.

\- So here am I now. Beside her.

"Hmm. Its seems like you, Aizawa Sensei."

I glance up, close my eyes for a quick moment and breath hard while my thumb restlessly rubs my forefinger. After thinking so hard, I decided to tell her something;

"Besides, There's you in Lifesaving." a not so obvious smile lit on my lips. I throw a glimpse on her face trying to assess her expression.

"Huh?" Usual reaction of course, unable to articulate anything. She just gave me a blank clueless, 'I don't get what you mean' look. As expected. I'm a bit frustrated but she's Shiraishi. I shouldn't get my hopes up. But what's important is that I'm beside her now and I indirectly told her what I feel.

The elevator arrives on the first floor and I step out as soon as the door opens.

Hiding all my nervousness on my emotionless façade, I tried to calm myself as much as possible and before the elevator shut its doors, I tilt my head towards her direction, hint a not so obvious smile and continue, "You're interesting." I walked away. The words and the emotions I wanted to convey to her for so long was slowly making it's way to be expressed.

* * *

I made a reshuffle. I was thinking I want to write his thoughts starting from ep 1. So I apologize if the order confuses you guys, `Gomen.

I clearly can't get enough of them. I literally want more. TT_TT


	2. Words

CHAPTER 2: WORDS

Note: This is purely Aizawa's thoughts in episode 2.

* * *

"Are you okay?" I throw a glance at Shiraishi. Concern was on her face while asking the fellow I was with earlier.

Yokomine answered, giving Shiraishi a wide smile on her face.

"I wonder if a person who has a motion sickness can become a flight doctor?" I can't help myself. I said sarcastically obviously pointing at Yokomine. The smile on her face disappear and immediately replace by a frown and her usual sour expression when I say something she didn't like to hear.

Shiraishi instantly contradicts what I said, and glance at me furiously. "It's only natural to be nervous on their first mission. Not everyone is confident like you, why are you talking like that?" Just like I predicted.

With my expressionless façade I continue assessing the patient in front of me without even looking at her direction, "Open fracture on the tibia, prepare to irrigate the site." I said while putting the stethoscope on my neck. Pretentiously ignoring her.

"He's not even listening to me." She said annoyingly, creating tensions to the persons surrounding us. I saw how Hiyama, Saejima and Fujikawa exchange numerous glances. My jaw muscle tightened.

I don't have any intentions of disrespecting or irritating Shiraishi, I have nothing to hate when it comes her, but the way the fellows behave and how she is treating and pampering them is infuriating. These fellows deserve to be educated and trained strictly so they can serve purpose to their existence. In that way, they can be more useful to Lifesaving, they can be more useful to her. I understand where Shiraishi is coming from, after everything we experience before, she's trying a different approach in educating the fellows, a way different to what we experienced with Kuroda Sensei. There's a part of me that understand that fact, but still I can't bear to see her taking all the responsibilities in her shoulder while these fellows seems like they didn't even know what being a doctor means.

* * *

"What I'm saying is there must be a better way of telling her that. What if Yokomine says she's going quit or something because of your harsh words?" She continues ranting while were heading towards the office. I walk directly to my desk, turn my computer on and pretended to check on something. "What will you do then?"

It's enjoyable to have long conversations with Shiraishi, but not this way. It's way too far from the conversations I envision on my mind. I truly hated disagreeing with her over things and it literally upsets me that we're always having this non-sense repetitive arguments because of Yokomine, Haitani and Natori. I decided to be as cruel as I can be to push the fellows at their limit, for them to learn faster. By that way I can lessen Shiraishi's burden from Lifesaving. But It didn't occur to me that is going to be a hard work. It's hard for me because we always ends up arguing.

"If she's going to quit to that extent, then the earlier the better." I said coldly.

"We must handle the trainees with care. Because there's nothing we can do if they leave. We need to look after them till they can already stand on their own in order to resolve our crisis of being understaffed."

"Huh. What would you do if they were too slow to administer treatments? How are you going to explain to the patient's family if the patients die under their watch, then?" I asserted, thinking fully of her. Knowing her for so long, there's a possibility that she may end up taking the blame and responsibility for them if something like that happen. I'm not sure if she can understand my apprehension why am I being like this. But based on her reaction right now, I think she doesn't have even a slightest hint that I'm doing this for her.

"Then mold them to become excellent from the very start. We have no choice but to do our best with the members we have in Lifesaving right now. So please stop addressing her in such a rude manner." Irritation cannot be hidden on her voice.

"I only came back to Lifesaving because someone begged me to." I said reproachingly. _Bad move. I shouldn't told that_. I literally regreted what I said. I didn't mean to say something like that but it automatically came out from my mouth. Disappointed at myself, I turn my back from her and walk away.

In a loud voice, she continues. "Oh that's right. I was an idiot to asked you in the first place. How I wish I could do it over and tell myself to give up on you to come back."

Hearing that I'm convinced I really did aggravate her. I let out a long sigh.

* * *

I was heading to the station, walking briskly to finish a report for the patient I just examine. It was already late, Fujikawa, Hiyama and most of the morning staff have gone home so I wasn't expecting to see her sitting in front of the computer on the nurse's station where I'm heading. Her eyes were locked on the screen while her fingers moving, possibly typing unfinished reports. She accidentally glanced on my direction and caught my eyes staring at her. I look away quickly and walk towards the desk on the other end.

I sat down, enter my hospital log in and run through the files I'm carrying earlier. I felt anxious and distracted with her presence, the fact that we still haven't fully make up yet, and haven't had a normal conversation until now aside for work related conversations since our argument the other day bothers me.

The talk we had this morning doesn't count as well, because she only came to be in between Yokomine and I, totally expressing her disgust on the method I'm using to train the fellows. She reminded me once more to be careful with my words which I pretentiously ignore for the second time.

I know the way I do things like training the fellows are different compare to hers but I'm doing it so that they can learn faster. It's for their own benefit as well, I want them to be expose and experience tight situations like this for them to be confident, independent and get them stand on their feet quickly. Without us looking after them. I just need time to learn from Shiraishi how to properly express my resolve so I wouldn't be misunderstood.

After a long silence, my thoughts we're distracted when she utters "Good evening."

"Ahh." I said in response. I tried to look as calm as possible. But inside my head I was hoping we can talk again normally. It's not that we talk much, cause we didn't. But the thought that she's mad at me and wouldn't bother to say even a single word is what really bothers me. I stop on what I'm doing and blankly stare at the computer screen, waiting for her to say another word.

She continue tapping on the keyboard and took the files lying beside her after a few minutes. She then stands up and walks towards my direction still with the files on her hand and and sat down in front of the computer behind me.

I continue entering my reports on the system but being mindful of her actions at the same time. Observing her next move at the corner of my eyes.

"I just remember-"

"What is it this time?" I ask trying to hide my nervousness, patiently waiting for the next words that will come out on her mouth. She seems fine now. At least there's no trace of disgust and annoyance on her voice.

"It is wrong for me to assume that you don't have any affection to the fellows."

I turn my head a little bit more towards her direction with my ears intently listening to her.

"You are also trying your best to take care of the trainees." she pauses. "I still don't agree that your way of doing things is correct, but neither do mine. I just want you to understand that if we are not too careful with our words others are still bound to get hurt."  
She said. I felt the warmness and concern on her words. Without hatred. without any disgust. One of the reason why I like her... why I love her to be exact.

Then the thought of Fujikawa and Saejima being together hits me. When I heard the news that they're going out and Saejima's pregnant, I did feel something weird. I felt happy for them but at the same time I felt envious towards Fujikawa and his courage to go after Saejima. I may be more competent than Fujikawa but there's a lot of aspects that he can win over me, like having courage to openly express affection towards the one you love. I really wish I had audacity like him.

I let a sigh out and gather all the strength I have to focus on my reports, forcing myself to throw away the thoughts sinking on my brain. I was about to recollect my concentration when Shiraishi say something again that pulled my thoughts back to her.

"And I remember one more thing, when Kuroda Sensei said well done to me before, I felt very happy. A word of praise coming from a senior doctor are magical words to trainees. With just a few simple words like that makes their worries and fatigue disappear in an instant." Reminding me on how I praised Yokomine earlier on saving a critically injured four year old girl without doubting herself. There's no doubt, what she witnessed earlier makes her happy. She then said goodbye and gracefully left.

Realization dawns, after hearing what she said it indeed vanish my worries away. I feel relieved. This must be what Yokomine felt earlier when I praised her. I told myself. Just like my words, her words works like magic for me too as it never fails to left me in awe.

* * *

Yay! off to episode 2. It might be boring but I still hope you'll enjoy reading this. I'm just soooo hungry on Aizawa's thoughts that's why I keep on writing on this pattern. Hope the movie will feed us more of him. Comments, reviews and critisms are most welcome. Thank you. :)


	3. Emotions

CHAPTER 3: EMOTIONS

Note: This is purely Aizawa's thoughts in Episode 3. I know I posted this before but I changed and added some scenes.

* * *

Shinkai and I are discussing about Kanade-san's situation when the elevator door opens. Shiraishi courteously greet us instantly the moment she stepped in and Shinkai being considerate nodded in return and greets her back.

I immediately turn sideways, after throwing a quick glimpse on her face. Pretentiously ignoring her, but at the same time fighting the urge not to throw another glance. I swiftly put my calm emotionless façade and try hard to look uninterested.

However, even though being expressionless is my forte, there's still sets of circumstances where I can't fully takeover of my emotions. There are few occasions where I am unable to conceal the emotions I've been hiding for years and it just overflows on my face unconsciously. Most of it is particularly is when Shiraishi's involve.

But I can't let that happen now. Not in front of Shinkai

My thoughts were interrupted when he started talking to her. One of my eyebrows raise up on its own.

"How is Aizawa doing so far? Is he not causing any trouble to Lifesaving?" Shinkai asks, trying his best to be friendly with Shiraishi. His eyes were looking straight on her face.

I strive hard not to frown. As much as possible, I don't want to give them an impression, especially Shinkai, that I'm so much affected over their conversation. I don't want to give him a cue that there's one more important to me aside from interesting surgeries. - Shiraishi.

So even though I'm totally distracted with his idea of small talk, I still choose to behave uninterested like I normally do, I continue staring blankly at the elevator walls and rubs my thumb on my forefinger.

"He has a sharp tongue so I'm a bit worried but well he's been like that eversince, so were actually used to it." Shiraishi glanced at Shinkai, answering his question. I saw him take a glimpse at my direction, it's like assessing my reaction.

I close my eyes. Asking myself if I did something to stirred an idea on Shinkai's head that I like Shiraishi without noticing it. The way he acted right now is like he knows something and he obviously trying to get the answer he needed to confirm that.

Realization follows, the thought of his not so surprise reaction when he heard mine and Saijou Sensei conversation during the time I decided to transfer back in Lifesaving temporarily hits me. Ahhh. Actually, both of them acted like they were not surprise at all, it's like they're already expecting for it, which is somewhat peculiar because they both know the fact that I'm eyeing for Toronto. It makes sense now.

Maybe he knew. Yes, Shiraishi's the primary reason why I came back to Lifesaving but I don't have any responsibility to confirm it to him, or to anyone. I set aside the thoughts on my mind. I don't know what's running inside his head right now, and whatever it is, I don't care.

I'll just need to be careful from now on when I'm with him and make sure that he won't get anything else from me to confirm what he had in mind. If he really had it. I would not bluntly rub in his face that I'm interested with Shiraishi and reveal to him that she's one of my weakness.

"Somehow it gives me an impression that you're really familiar with each other." Shinkai grinned like an idiot. If only I can hurt a person through my mind, I think Shinkai's severely injured now. His presence with Shiraishi and the way he behaves in front of her right now really annoys me. It terribly irritates me and seriously driving me mad. Bigtime.

"It's because we've known each other for so long." she answers politely. Shinkai's reaction exhibit that he's really up to something.

The elevator door opens at last and finally Shinkai is stepping out. That makes me feel relieved! I let out a not so obvious sigh of relief. He started walking out but after a few steps, he suddenly stops and turn towards her again.

"Shiraishi Sensei, how about going for a meal with me next time?" My jaw muscles tightened but still trying my best to keep my calmness.

"Huh?" Shiraishi looking so confused and dazzled.

"I will listen to your complains about Aizawa Sensei." I saw at the corner of my eyes, Shinkai glanced at me with a triump smile on his face before he walks away. Seeing that smile on his face only means a confirmation on one thing: He knew all along, without a doubt - that I'm interested with Shiraishi. And yes. He won. He manages to get the reaction he wanted.

When the elevator door closes Shiraishi quickly turn towards me with an innocent expression on her face.

"What was that just now?" Not even have the slightest hint what Shinkai meant. If you don't know her at all, you honestly couldn't tell if she's just acting dense and clueless like she is right now, but believe it or not, knowing her for so long, she's not faking it. She was indeed this type of woman. That's why when I told her that I came back to Lifesaving because she's here and told her straight that "she's interesting", I didn't get any response at all. She just stared at me, confused and dazzled just like her reaction now.

Imagine how frustrated I am when I told her that. It literally took me years to indirectly confessed my feelings towards her, and all I get was a clueless expression on her face.

The indignant sensation brought by their conversation earlier, makes my head throbbing. I feel like it's going to burst any moment from now. I wobble my head a few times, trying to cool it down. But at this point, I can't hide my irritation anymore. I continuously stare blankly at the elevator walls, not even glancing on her direction.

The elevator opens its doors again and before I step out, I answered her question with a hint of annoyance and irritation in my voice.

"Just like what you've heard. He's asking you out."

* * *

"This is Shohoku Doctor Heli. The patient vomited inside the plane. Saejima-san, who came in direct contact with the vomitus, lost consciousness."

The moment I heard that from Shiraishi, fear comes across my face. I slowly move from the chair I am sitting, I am about to stand but my body froze midway, I felt cold all of a sudden and my mind went blank literally for a few seconds. All of us in resuscitation room were anxiously waiting for Shiraishi to say something else.

"Haitani and Shiraishi are also experiencing symptoms of nausea and vertigo." I stand up completely and ran quickly in Doctor Heli's control room. My heart's beating wildly. And my mind was full of fear, anxiety and apprehension. Mainly for Shiraishi but part of it were also for Saejima and Haitani. I ask the one sitting on the control room how long more before they arrive.

5 minutes. 5 minutes. 5 minutes. It repeatedly plays on my brain before I manage to recover my thoughts. I know she's going to be fine, but I can't ease the dread on my chest.

"Shiraishi, we will prepare for decontamination." After that I act swiftly and inform everyone to prepare for necessary arrangements. I contact Tachibana Sensei and inform him the details of the situation.

* * *

I walked in the resuscitation room and saw Shiraishi and Haitani talking seriously about the cyanide outbreak that happened a few days ago. One of those instances where I failed to hide my emotions and almost lost my resolve. Starting from the fear I had the moment I received her call to the relief I felt realizing she's fine when I saw I getting off the heli, standing on her own feet. I was thinking of leaving them initially, but my curiosity stops me, so I sat down in front of the computer near the door and attentively listen to their conversation.

Haitani was obviously feeling down, for not being able to think straight during the incident. Completely blaming himself for prioritizing his fear over his patient's welfare.

"I think I'm not meant to be a doctor."

I held myself in reserve, patiently waiting for Shiraishi's response. She stays quiet for a few seconds before she proceeds. She calmly asks Haitani the points to remember in damage control. Still in silence I continue listening to their conversation while checking something on the computer. When the latter manage to answer her question, she continues.

"But do you know, the most important point of damage control is having fear. In Akimoto-san's case it was impossible for us to stop the hemorrhage, If we continue with the surgery, most likely it would become the worst scenario. We discontinued temporarily that's why Akimoto-san was able to survive." she pauses. Setting me and what happened earlier as an example.

"For Aizawa Sensei to be able to make that decision showed a side of him which feared for his patient."

Again, after hearing Shiraishi's heartfelt speech to Haitani, I can't help but to be drawn more into her. The admiration I feel grew bigger and the love I have grew stronger. 9 years has passed and she still knows how to choose the most appropriate words to comfort and uplift someone's morale and self-esteem perfectly. She may be dense and clueless most of the time, but no one can argue and there's no doubt that she's indeed the heart of Lifesaving.

I'm not as compassionate as Shiraishi when it comes to the fellows, but what she told Haintani, motivates me to join to their heartfelt conversation. _"A word of praise coming from a senior doctor are magical words to trainees. With just a few simple words like that makes their worries and fatigue disappear in an instant."_ bearing in mind what she told me last time and showing support in Shiraishi's way of comforting Haitani.

"We manage to give the proper treatment because of you. And because of that, you had a hand in saving the patient's life and Saejima's." I said in a warm tone, expressing gratitude in my own way.

It's not that I believe that he was meant to be here, but he did help us in a way, if we didn't manage to identify the poison that Akimoto-san used immediately, we won't be able to save the patient's life and Saejima's. The fact that he had a hand in saving them, by simply stating the details he remembered, it's definite that he deserves to be complimented.

* * *

*Shiraishi smiles at Aizawa after he said that. Kyaaa

They seriously look like parents, parenting their child. Aww

Yay! I know I posted this before, but I added all their scenes in Episode 3. Though it's a bit boring, but I'm really sooo into Aizawa's mind. Please let me know what you think if you have time. Thank you! Cheers.


	4. Decisions

CHAPTER 4: DECISIONS

Note: This is purely Aizawa's thoughts on Episode 4.

* * *

"Give us at least one." I said, quaking my glass midair gesturing Tsuneo a.k.a. Mary Jane to serve me another glass. Saejima glance at my direction, disbelief on her face. Like Tsuneo, Hiyama and Shiraishi, I'm curious as well what she saw and what makes her decide to marry Fujikawa so I can't help myself not to join in to their conversation.

She then turns to Shiraishi, pause for a few seconds and answered "Well, maybe… his thoughtful side?" with a sound of vagueness in her voice which gives the two reasons to continuously tease and question her.

Well, my curiosity ends when I heard her answer. I can't argue anymore with that, Fujikawa's really considerate and mindful when it comes to Saejima. Everyone, not only the staffs in Lifesaving acknowledge that. I started peeling my pistachios off as I continue listening to their conversation. For the second time, I felt envious of Fujikawa. He definitely has the qualities which I am lacking. If I only have the audacity and persuasion like him when it comes in expressing my emotions I may have been - ; Shiraishi and I may have been - in a different light now; I let out a sigh of downfall. Throwing the thoughts occupying my head, I tried to distract myself by building up a tower on the pistachios shells I've been eating since earlier.

After an hour, Saejima decided to say goodbye and leave, as Fujikawa being as annoying and persistent as he is, keep on calling and reminding her to take a taxi home. I glance at Shiraishi's direction swiftly, waiting for her next move. Seeing how both of them didn't show any signs of leaving, I continued and concentrate on pretentiously piling up the shells on my table. I don't want to leave first without them, Shiraishi had a few shots and Hiyama is obviously drunk, so I decided to stay. The thought of leaving her alone with a drunk Hiyama is definitely not a good idea.

"Shiraishi, you're not taking care of the trainees, that's why I turned out like this." After pouring her sentiments towards her professor for not taking her back in Pre-Natal Centre, Hiyama starts blaming Shiraishi with her situation. She's been repetitively complaining about the same things for an hour now.

"I'm also in some terrible channels here, you know. Look at this report." Shiraishi replied, by the sound of it she is showing Hiyama the fellow's evaluation forms on her hand. She then starts complaining as well. I closed my eyes for a bit. _Why am I still here?_ Asking myself.

"Observing them for a month is not enough, I don't even know what to write." Shirasihi added.

Intellectually thinking about the fellow's performance and their attitude towards work, I can understand why Shiraishi can't come up with something. They're progressing… Yes. I can see that. But it's literally a very slothful progress.

Hiyama then diverts her attention towards me and furiously approach me with her coarse boldness "Aizawa. You're alone in that biased attitude again." I heard a few steps, an indication that she's now walking towards me. "I definitely, won't forgive you if you go to Toronto or anywhere else after 6 months." She absolutely has lots of time to rant.

"Sorry, I have to take this." I said brushing her off, vocally ignoring her. Holding the phone on my hand, I walk towards the entrance and answered the call immediately.

"Aizawa, Kanade chan has severe edema her ICP also drastically increase." Shinkai said on the other line.

"I see." I let out a deep sigh. Kanade-san's condition is getting worse, and the worst thing is we can't do any further actions because she keep on refusing to have a surgery. The thought that she won't be able to play the piano after the operation makes her frightened and that's the primary reason why we're having difficulties in getting her consent.

"She said she wants to speak with you. She haven't give her consent to the surgery yet so please Aizawa, try to convince her. We don't have much time. We need to operate on her soon." My concentration was ripped by the desperation on his voice.

"I will try to persuade her." I said trying to keep my voice level.

Doctors like us sometimes find themselves in a dilemma where we think that we are already prepared for every possible situation but in reality, we are not. Sometimes what we assume is often worse than what we originally expected. However, it's a doctor's nature to be highly competitive, we want to overcome every challenge that we encounter… even the implausible ones. That's why our brains never stop working and our hands never stop moving… because we'll surely find a way somehow. Having this verdicts on my mind I am determined that I will definitely not leave Kanade-san's case without giving her the best resolution I can give her.

* * *

I was staring blankly on my computer screen viewing Akito's files;

Sakura Akito. Dilated Cardiomyopathy. 11 years old and 8 months. Myocardial Rupture. Deceased.

Not being able to save a patient's life is indeed a depressing experience for doctors, everyone knows this because we've mostly all been there. My thoughts were filled with Akito and Kanade-san's case when Shiraishi came in to the office. I saw her glance at me on the corner of my eyes before she walks straight toward her desk, contrary to mine.

"What happened to Akito-kun is frustrating." She said with a hint of sadness in her voice. I let out a deep sigh and glance at her. She's staring at the files on her desk but I can still see her face that clearly displays grief and frustration. My eyes went back to the computer screen in front of me. I really do admire her dedication, her reaction towards Akito-kun's case was impressive, keeping in mind that she's not even his attending physician. The way she sympathizes and comprehends to the patient, their situations and the people surrounding them was indeed outstanding.

"It's challenging to manage transplant cases." I replied, still staring at the computer screen trying my best to console and soothe her grief. "Even though we know how to save his life we couldn't provide the treatment he needs, we can't do anything if there's no organ to begin with." Seriousness was on my voice, hoping I can somehow alleviate the unhappiness she have. Today's not a great day for us. I know it's the same with her.

"You're right." Nodding in agreement to what I said. "Even though we could have save him somehow." She utters softly.

"Yeah."

Were both silent for a moment. _Even though we could have save him somehow. Even though we could have save him somehow. Even though we could have save him somehow_. I glance at her once more, what she said repeated played on my mind, subsequently after hearing that, an imprint starts wedging on my head. What she said makes me come up with this decision. I'm completely impressed how her words helps me to overcome my uncertainties and glitches, whether it's purposely or instinctively. I can't even count on my fingers how many times it happened, and it's always on perfect timing. From the time I met her until now, she literally never fails to uplift my spirit by telling me words that I badly need to hear when I needed them most. She's indeed my Lifesaving.

* * *

I immediately went straight to Kanade-san's room after the conversation Shiraishi and I had. I knew the decision I came up with was a bit irrational but what I want right now is to save Kanade-san's life. _I can save her life somehow._

I walk in and closes the door slowly. Kanade sluggishly turn her head towards me and draw a frail smile on her face. It obvious that she's suffering bigtime and she's trying so hard to compete with the pain she's experiencing at the moment.

"You're amazing." I said to her complimenting her tenacity. The fact that she's in great pain and she's giving all her strength to contest the agony she's having right now make her truly admirable.

"Huh? Why?" she said in a very soft voice. Her eyes still locked at mine, waiting for what I am going to say next.

"It's because once a patient's condition worsened to that extent, they would normally agree to do the operation instantly. They wouldn't waste time and will quickly undergo surgery. But you… you're different. That's a testament that you really love the piano more than your life." I said. I took a not so obvious deep breath and glared at her intently before I proceed. "If you have the operation, the probability of developing complications after the operation isn't zero. But if it comes to that, it's fine as long as you go rehabilitation. It's a painful process and it will take a long time… But if it's you. I think it should be okay. I'm sure you will be able overcome it because you're not weak. Just like now. There's a possibility that you be able to play the piano you love so much again." I apprehensively gave her a small smile.

With that, we ended up in an agreement, giving me a condition that I must be the one who will operate on her.

* * *

"You're a doctor so you need to avoid making promises that things may turn out fine after the surgery." Shinkai said, with the consent on his hand. After that conversation with her, she immediately signed the consent for her surgery. "If a post-operative complication affected her hand, she won't be able to play piano again and there's a possibility it may turn out as a lawsuit." He added, I can't really tell if there's concern on his voice but he totally disagree when I told him how I manage to persuade Kanade-san to undergo surgery. My thumb routinely rubs itself to my forefinger. I let out a deep sigh, and glare at him.

"I want to save her in any case, we know how to save her life and we have the ability to provide her the medical care she needed. I really won't mind if they speak against me and call me a liar afterwards and make me pay for the damages. It's still best that she lives till the end." I said with decisiveness. I know it's wrong to promise something like that to Kanade-san, but this is the only way she would approve to undergo surgery, besides there's also a possibility that she won't be having post complications. Although I can't deny the fact that having post-operative complications will be higher than the probability of not having it. Having all this is mind, I still believe that it's much better for her to stay alive. "What's important to me now is to save her, for the sake of those whose surrounding her." Finality on my voice.

"I wonder how long can doctors assure patients that things will be fine until they can't anymore." Shinkai said in defeat. With a frown on my face, I decided not to respond and just stared blankly on the elevator walls.

* * *

I apologize if this bored you guys.  
There's not much Aizawa and Shiraishi scenes on Episode 4 and I'm trying to stick to Season 3 events, so this is all I came up with.


	5. Thoughts

It's true that Kanade-san's complication after the operation was initially the reason why I backed out for the candidacy in Toronto University. I felt guilty for not fulfilling my promise, and not telling her the whole truth about the complications she may have after the surgery.

The thought of aiming to be one of the best doctors in the world, when I can't even save my patient doesn't make any sense at all. I know that doctors are not God, we have limitations, but breaking my promise and not telling her the whole truth was a different thing. I truly wanted to save her so badly, so I gave her high hopes that she can be able to play the piano again even though I knew that there's a high possibility that she may end up like this. I took away something she values more than her own life and made her suffer because of that. I knew I told Shinkai before that I wouldn't mind if they call me a liar afterwards or make me pay for the damages, what's important is that her life will be save. However, seeing her alive without any hopes that she can be able to use her hands again to play the piano sends me to a pit of guilt.

Being eaten by these thoughts, I decided that I can't just go to Toronto and chase my dreams like this while Kanade-san was just going to spend most of her day for rehabilitation that can't even allow her to chase her dreams again.

But after hearing Hiyama's plan earlier to leave Lifesaving, and Fujikawa's sentiments about Saejima's concern about him being a flight doctor, it becomes clearer to me that aside from Kanade-san's situation, there's actually one more reason that made me undecided in going to Toronto University: Shiraishi. Yes, her. Seeing her saddened face for a moment, when Hiyama told her that she was leaving Lifesaving to Prenatal Care Centre to her smiling face when she congratulated the latter, - literally hit me and made me realized that it is indeed tougher for me to leave Lifesaving. There's a voice inside me saying that I can't leave Shiraishi alone. I don't know what's gotten into me but over the past years, I come into existence of wanting to protect and look after her, of course in a very subtle way. That's why when Fujikawa asked me about Toronto earlier, I undoubtedly told him in front of Saejima, Hiyama and Shiraishi's presence, that I'm not going and I'm staying in Lifesaving, which of course, leave them speechless. Well, I can't blame them, 'cause it's probably not the answer they're expecting coming out on my mouth. It's really not a typical Aizawa response.

* * *

"If your throwing away your dreams now, then I'm speechless. There's a possibility that you may regret it in the future." Even after hearing my reasons, Shiraishi, being herself totally didn't agree on my decision giving up Toronto.

"You know I really hate it when you left me with sympathy." She surely doesn't understand what I meant when I asked her whether she's going to be okay once Hiyama leaves and when Fujikawa decided to leave Lifesaving too for the sake of Saeiima. What I felt for her was literally not sympathy, I'm sure of that. The moment I asked her to look after herself, it's definitely concern... it's love. I'm certainly worried about her to the point that I would be willing to give up Toronto just to stay with her. But I think she's really too dense to feel that and I'm too impassive to let her feel what I meant, what I have for her.

I remain silent, looking at the ground while rubbing my thumb on my forefinger. Ever since, I've been listening to her. I'm not sure if she and the others noticed it but she's the only person that can make me change my mind, like the time when I came back to Lifesaving after turning down Tachibana Sensei a lot of times and emphasizing that I don't have any intentions of coming back anymore. It's the truth when I told him that, but it changed when Shiraishi's the one who asked me to come back. I can't deny the fact that I turned her down at first but after contemplating what I really wanted at that time, I decided to come back without letting her plead twice. I guess the fact that the girl you had your eyes on for the longest time, ask you to work with her again makes a difference. Well, Shiraishi is way more important. She makes me eat my words numerous times and I hope she knows that. So, right now, I'm afraid that after hearing everything she's going to say, I will suddenly change my decision and pursue Toronto again.

There's a lot of things running on my head but I can't just tell her everything in one blow. And I wonder If I can manage to tell her everything as well. I need time. And I can only do that if I'm around, If I'm near her. If I stay.

"Were you like that? You were different 9 years ago, you want to be a better doctor than anyone else and you don't care if you distance yourself with us. We really do admire that side of you." she added. Her voice was filled with determination in persuading me regarding Toronto. Talking about the past hoping she will find that confident and conceited Aizawa Kousaku from before.

Oh yes, She's right. This is definitely not me. If it's me from 9 years ago, I wouldn't have hesitated like this in going overseas, I think declining such an opportunity wouldn't even crossed my mind 'cause it's a road in becoming one of the best, but I think it's different now. I have reasons why I choose to stay. It's just that, that person can't see it. Ugh. This is killing me! I was about to say something but I was interrupted. Great!

"If you're worried about me, about us, then don't. Even if you're not here, I think we can able to do it properly," she pauses and watch my reaction closely. Blink her eyes and continue, "I mean, if you're not around we'll try to become stronger so you don't need to worry for us. I really think you should go to Toronto." I intently look at her straight in the eyes, and there you can still see the seriousness on her face about everything she said. I breathe a sigh of defeat and look away. Instead of getting closer to her I think I'm getting further away. I really don't know what to say now! Shiraishi's getting denser and clueless as ever. I turn my back from her and starts walking away leaving her behind the heli launchpad.

* * *

Hi guys! I'm gonna change and add all their scenes on this chapter. I just want to complete Aizawa's thoughts on earlier episode. Please bear with me. Thank you!


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